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Almost four years?  Really?



I know you have not left the minds of those near and dear, but I find it so strange that more people acknowledge the anniversary of your death rather than that of your birth.  Then again, it's strange to be writing to a ghost as well.

Happy Birthday...sort of

I shouldn't say Happy Birthday because you decided to throw all of yours away; but I think of you always (even though I wish I wouldn't) and this day will forever be yours.


i feel like the asshole who didn't realize today was the fucken 16th. i just told my boyfriend and i started crying because i don't even have the other people who loved her left to comfort me.

her pictures are everywhere in my house. i look at her beautiful face several times a day. i can't take them down. i just can't.

i don't have anything beautiful to say, except it hurts twice as much this year as last, because paige is gone because she needed to fly. how many others i loved are alive and just as lost to me? i was told i am dead in their minds. maybe i can make that a way to be with her this day. we can be dead together to everyone that loved her. somehow, that is my comfort. be well everyone. there is some part of her inside us all.

i've come to the conclusion...

that my LJ is just for me now i guess. every single person in relation to my former friends removed me. am i the new jade? can't a person make mistakes and still be redeemed? or am i just permanantly ass out, quickstatus like that? is that how it works in this circle i'm sure many probably don't want me to be a part of? i'm sincerely trying to apologize all over the place and i've openly stated i was very wrong, and i was going through more than anyone could understand and i felt (perhaps irrationally) that i got the hard line from my friends instead of compassion and then when i innappropriatley lashed out in pain, i was kicked to the curb. i mean, if they don't care, that's cool, i can accept that i might have wasted 2+ years of my life on the wrong people and try to take whatever "lesson" away from the whole drama i can find. i am genuinely sorry and i can't make anyone want to be my friend. i guess if it ends up that they ignore my attempts than they are not the people i thought they were? i don't know yet. it's too soon. but i am telling myself this (because i AM opening myself up for more rejection): if i am forgiven and regranted good graces, then the pain and humiliation of the whole ordeal wasn't in vain. if i am ignored or ridiculed and gossiped about, then they are not the people i really want in my life anyway. no one is perfect. i am a good person and a good friend and a good mom. i love with all my heart and soul when i let people in, and i don't let many people in, so when i feel hurt it hurts more intensely because i feel like the idiot that allowed myself to get hurt. i thought i was a valued part of something i guess. and somehow i feel like i slowly got phased out and the last hurrah was a great reason to just go ahead and let true feelings be known?? maybe i'm wrong. as i said, it's too soon to tell. but. either way. i am me and i am changing and the people that are meant to be in my life will be. let it go and lift it up. *resigned shrug*.


I hope you are well wherever you are.  Smooch Voxy for Psy.

Love you.

Forever Fall.

You left a whole lot of hurt behind, and took a lot more with you.

You stopped being a girl, and became a memory, a ghost, a legend of fuschia pink and lost, tarnished keys.

You've been polished by the sea like a piece of jagged, broken glass.

Your memory has become rounded, softened by time and tide.

But your edges still cut the ones you love.

Happy birthday, white bird.


Can I love and hate you at the same time?  Yes! I'm pissed and annoyed.  I used to love October--its bitter sweet now.  I miss you and today really sucks--I am at work trying to hold myself together. 



I wonder how Khailin is doing?  M?

Birthday Blues

Happy Birthday my dear one.  Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time? I wish you were still here evgen if you did not want me in your life. I love you, I hate you, I'm fucking confused.